He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You are a genius and a whore.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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