My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
