I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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