It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
