Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
