I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
