no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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