Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
