How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
