dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
