New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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