I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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