It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
