EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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