i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
not ubering you a puppy
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
