Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
