To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
