I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
