sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
