his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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