I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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