my mouth tastes like poor choices
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
