Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
