and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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