when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
