I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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