Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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