my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
