There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
