the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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