Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
