No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize