So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
