You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
