i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
