i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
