ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
