If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
