I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My vagina just recognized that song.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
