On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pooping to opera.
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