I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
