If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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