I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
