When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
