I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
