You left your underwear on the fireplace
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
