My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
