Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
