This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
These tits shall not be calmed
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
