So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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