How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
