This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
