guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
