Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
