Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize