butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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